Perhaps if I had chosen a different restaurant, I pondered to myself, this would have turned out differently. 

也许如果我选择了另一家餐厅，我心想，结果会有所不同。

This particular Italian restaurant had seemed like the ideal spot for a first date. The room was candle lit and elegantly topped by a cylindrical ceiling that made me feel like I was in the centre of a towering wedding cake. Unfortunately, after squinting at my date for the last half an hour, who hadn’t gotten up the nerve to say much beyond pass the parmesan, it had started to feel more like being in the barrel of a gun. 

这家特别的意大利餐厅似乎是第一次约会的理想场所。 房间被蜡烛点亮，顶部是优雅的圆柱形天花板，让我感觉自己就像在一个高耸的婚礼蛋糕的中心。 不幸的是，在过去的半小时里，我眯着眼睛盯着我的约会对象，除了帕尔马干酪之外，他没有勇气说太多话，开始感觉更像在枪管里。

His inability to talk had led to my own verbal constipation, so I decided to focus myself on the business of cutting my ravioli into tiny pieces. My date was fully consumed by his own project, wrapping noodles around the tongs of his fork, while chewing loudly between slurps. 

他无法说话导致我自己的语言便秘，所以我决定专注于把我的馄饨切成小块。 我的约会对象完全被他自己的项目所吞噬，用叉子的钳子包着面条，同时在啜饮之间大声咀嚼。

Smack, smack, smack, went his lips in a way that made me want to reach over and cut him into tiny pieces with the gleaming cutlery. 

啪，啪，啪，啪，他的嘴唇，让我想伸手用闪闪发光的餐具把他切成小块。

I turned my eyes to the waiter. He was dogpaddling around the other half of the room busily, but never made it anywhere near our table. My face burned liked I’d eaten a chili pepper as I directed my annoyance towards him instead of my date. 

我把目光转向服务员。 他忙着在房间的另一半里划船，但从未靠近过我们的桌子。 我的脸像吃了辣椒一样灼热，因为我把恼怒转向了他而不是我的约会对象。

“Waiter!” I bellowed over the clatter of cutlery and the sloshing of water. My crappy date pushed his round silver framed glasses further up his nose and glared at me as I shouted. 

“服务员！” 我对餐具的响声和水的飞溅声大吼。 我糟糕的约会对象把他的银色框架的圆形眼镜推到鼻子上，在我喊叫时瞪着我。

A slurper like you, thinking that I’m the rude one!  I threw my thoughts angrily at him. 

像你这样的啜饮者，认为我是那个粗鲁的人！ 我愤怒地向他抛出我的想法。

The waiter sloshed over apologetically, as though he would have arrived in just a second had I not caused such a scene. He didn’t even have his fins on. 

服务员道歉地翻了过来，好像如果我没有引起这样的场面，他就会在一秒钟内到达。 他甚至没有穿他的鳍。

“I need goggles,” I said to him and pointed at the menu item. 

“我需要护目镜，”我对他说，指着菜单项目。

“Yellow or blue, madam,” He asked as he scribbled down my order. 

“黄色还是蓝色，夫人，”他涂鸦着我的订单问道。

“Does it even matter?” My date hissed at me as he splashed the water under the table with his hands. It was rising rather quickly. 

“这重要吗？” 我的约会对象用手在桌子下面泼水时对我嘶嘶作使。 它上升得相当快。

“I suppose not,” I replied with a shrug and grabbed the waiter’s arm before he could disappear again. 

“我想不是，”我耸耸肩回答，在服务员再次消失之前抓住他的胳膊。

“Also, a shot of espresso and the tiramisu please. Two forks.” I instructed quickly, wanting to spear the last bit of ravioli before it was washed off my plate. 

“还有，请给我一杯浓缩咖啡和提拉米苏。 两个叉子。” 我迅速地指示，想在最后一块馄饨从我的盘子上洗掉之前把它用矛头。

“Two forks? Tiramisu?” my date spit out quickly. “That’s a bit presumptuous, isn’t it?” his tone dripped with revulsion. 

“两个叉子？ 提拉米苏？” 我的约会对象很快就吐了出来。 “那有点自以为是，不是吗？” 他的语气充满了反感。

I laughed silently and said to myself, “Oh, so the turtle comes out of it’s shell now. For what? Tiramisu? What an absolute jerk. I’ve got to keep it together long enough to get home without punching this dude’s lights out.”

我默默地笑了笑，对自己说：“哦，所以乌龟现在从壳里出来了。 为了什么？ 提拉米苏？ 真是个十足的混蛋。 我必须保持足够长的时间才能回家而不把这家伙的灯熄滅。”

“They’re for me.” I lied in a honeyed tone. “I like to keep a lucky fork around.” I thought I almost caught him roll his eyes as he turned his head away. 

“它们是给我的。” 我用甜美的語氣撒了謊。 “我喜欢在身边放一个幸运叉子。” 我以为当他把头转开时，我差点发现他翻了出白眼。

A wave rolled abruptly in from the kitchen and the table floated up to just below my chest as a murmur went up amongst the patrons. I struggled to figure out how to arrange my arms on it and decided for an awkward tentlike shape. The red and white checked tabletop dipped to the side and heaved my plate, the cups and most of the silverware into the water where I watched it sink quickly to the bottom. 

一股浪突然从厨房滚了进来，当顾客之间发出低语时，桌子飘到了我的胸口下方。 我努力想办法把手臂摆在上面，并决定用一个笨拙的帐篷形状。 红色和白色的格子桌面浸到一边，把我的盘子、杯子和大部分银器都放进水里，我看着它迅速沉到底部。

“What kind of dessert are you going to order then?” I asked the man, whose name I realised I’d forgotten, as surely as I hoped to forget about the events of this evening. 

“那你要点什么样的甜点？” 我问那个男人，我意识到我忘了他的名字，就像我希望忘记今晚的事情一样。

“I prefer gelato, if you please,” he replied with a smug grin as though gelato was the only acceptable answer to such a delicate question.

“如果你愿意的话，我更喜欢冰淇淋，”他得意地笑着回答，好像冰淇淋是这样一个微妙问题的唯一可接受的答案。

Sluuurrrppp, he went as he continued to single-mindedly masticate the noodles on his plate, which he’d narrowly rescued from our table’s earlier purge. I put a hand up to my face and grimaced behind it. 

Sluuurrrppp，他继续一心一意地咀嚼盘子里的面条，他险些从我们桌子早些时候的清理中救了出来。 我把手放在脸上，在背后龥着脸。

He’s even incapable of ordering his own food! What kind of mommy issues does this guy have? The faster we finish dessert, the faster I can get out of here. 

他甚至不能自己点菜！ 这家伙有什么样的妈妈问题？ 我们越快吃完甜点，我就能越快离开这里。

“I’ll go tell the waiter,” I squeaked as I realised that the goggles I’d ordered were around my neck. I was terrifically happy for an excuse to get away from the table, if even just for a few moments, and I grinned as I dove under the water. 

“我去告诉服务员，”当我意识到我订购的护目镜挂在我的脖子上时，我尖叫着。 我很高兴有一个离开桌子的借口，哪怕只是片刻，我在水下时咧嘴一笑。

As I swam I surveyed the jumble of Italian delights suspended in the water around me. A medley of linguini, lasagna and red and white clouds floated by, perforated by swarms of parmesan. I immediately recalled the feeling I’d had when I snorkeled for the first time as a child. The awe that had struck me as I took in the teeming universe below the surface. 

当我游泳时，我观察了周围水中悬浮的杂乱的意大利美食。 一群意大利面条、烤宽面条和红白相间的云朵漂浮着，被成群的帕尔马干酪刺穿。 我立刻想起了小时候第一次浮潜时的感觉。 当我进入地表下熙熙攘攘的宇宙时，这种敬畏让我感到敬畏。

A meatball smacked into the right side of my goggle and startled me back to the task at hand. I swatted it aside before surfacing next to the waiter. 

一个肉丸子砸进了我护目镜的右侧，把我吓到了手头的任务。 在走到服务员旁边之前，我把它甩到一边。

“Gelato, please. Oh, and if you can make that fast, I’d much appreciate it,” I disclosed as I tucked a fiver into his hand. He looked from his hand to my date and winced, before smiling conspiratorially.  

“请给我冰淇淋。 哦，如果你能那么快，我将不胜感激，”我向他手里塞了一个五分球时透露道。 他从手上看着我的约会对象，畏了一下，然后阴谋地笑了笑。

Almost instantaneously, the desserts and espresso popped out of the kitchen on a small boat. 

几乎瞬间，甜点和浓缩咖啡在一艘小船上从厨房里跳了出来。

“All aboard,” the waiter called and stretched his leg out. He hoisted me up and onto what I had thought was a small sailboat, but once inside I realised was the center of a white ceramic bathtub. My date slid down the slick white side nearest me and lurched for his gelato. The tub shook as he shifted his weight. 

“所有人上船，”服务员叫道，伸直了腿。 他把我吊起来，坐上了我以为是一艘小帆船，但一进去，我就发现里面是一个白色陶瓷浴缸的中心。 我的约会对象从离我最近的光滑的白色一侧滑下来，摇摇晃晃地去吃他的冰淇淋。 当他转移体重时，浴缸摇晃着。

“Is that vanilla gelato?” he said disappointedly as he pulled the bowl towards his pasta splattered face. 

“那是香草冰淇淋吗？” 他失望地说，把碗拉向他溅到意大利面的脸上。

“You did ask for gelato, didn’t you?” I asked as my smile faded like a sunset. 

“你确实要了冰淇淋，是吗？” 我问道，我的微笑像日落一样消失。

“Yes, but I only eat chocolate gelato,” he scoffed, picked up the gelato and tossed it out of the tub. He pulled his fork and plate out of his bag and continued working on his noodles. 

“是的，但我只吃巧克力冰淇淋，”他嘲笑道，拿起冰淇淋，把它从浴缸里拿出来。 他从包里掏出叉子和盘子，继续做面条。

As I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what I thought of silly men who didn’t like tiramisu and couldn’t be asked to order for themselves I noticed something. My date was sitting directly on top of the bathtub drain. I quickly moved my foot over and with a spry ninja-like kick I dislodged the rubber stopper. The water around him began to form a vortex that sucked him down, all the while his mouth kept working on his noodles.  

当我开口告诉他我对那些不喜欢提拉米苏、不能被要求自己点的愚蠢男人的看法时，我注意到了一些事情。 我的约会对象直接坐在浴缸的排水管上面。 我迅速地把脚移过去，用一个像忍者一样的踢腿，把橡胶塞子挪开。 他周围的水开始形成一个漩涡，把他吸下来，而他的嘴一直在处理他的面条。

Slurp, smack, slurp, smack.

啜饮，啪，啜饮，啪。

Rachel awoke in her bed. She was drenched in sweat and reached up to wipe her brow. 

Rachel在床上醒来。 她汗流浃背，伸手擦了擦眉毛。

“What the? Where am I?” She puzzled aloud before flicking her bedside light on and sizing up her surroundings. She was at home in her room and everything seemed in order, expect for the ungodly heat. 

“什么？ 我在哪里？” 她大声地感到困惑，然后打开床头灯，量一下周围的环境。 她在家里的房间里，一切似乎都井然有序，期待不虔诚的高温。

She vaguely recalled that after a night out she’d eaten a plate of spaghetti on her bed and then left the window open to air the room out. She was now realising that had been a mistake as today was one of those summer days where an egg could fry on the sidewalk and the heat had only helped to make the room smell even more like pasta. 

她依稀记得，外出一晚后，她在床上吃了一盘意大利面，然后把窗户开着，让房间通风。 她现在意识到这是一个错误，因为今天是夏天，鸡蛋可以在人行道上煎炸，热量只会让房间闻起来更像意大利面。

She got up to close the window and her phone tumbled out of her lap and onto the floor, almost landing in the plate of half-eaten spaghetti that she had hastily tucked under her bed.  

她起身关上窗户，她的手机从她的腿上摔到地板上，差点落在她草草地塞到床底下的半吃完的意大利面盘上。

Would have made more sense to take the plate out, instead of opening the window, she thought hazily to herself.  

她心想，把盘子拿出来更有意义，而不是打开窗户。

Rachel quickly rescued her phone from the floor to check that it was still in working order. As she swiped up she was startled by the face on the screen. That face was not quite familiar, and yet it perturbed her, but for no reason that she could ascertain. 

Rachel迅速地从地板上救出她的手机，检查它是否仍然工作正常。 当她向上滑动时，她被屏幕上的脸吓了一跳。 那张脸并不太熟悉，但这让她很不安，但没有理由她能确定。

Wait, she thought, he was in my dream. There was an Italian restaurant… or was it a pool… or the sea? She clutched for the details of her dream. At first the memories fell from grasp like sand, but then in a more mud like manner she grasped onto some clumps. Something about noodles… and an aquarium or snorkelling? But she just couldn’t sort it out.

等等，她想，他在我的梦里。 有一家意大利餐厅……还是游泳池……还是大海？ 她紧紧抓住她梦想的细节。 起初，記憶像沙子一樣從抓地力中掉下來，但後來她以更像泥巴的方式抓住了一些一團。 关于面条……还有水族馆或浮潜？ 但她就是无法解决这个问题。

As she picked up her phone again, she realised that they’d matched. She grimaced and disliked him, for no reason in particular, before shutting the window and going back to sleep.

当她再次拿起电话时，她意识到他们匹配了。 在关上窗户回去睡觉之前，她龙牙咧嘴，不喜欢他，没有特别的原因。