I have been caught up in a blur of shadow and edges lately.
我最近陷入了模糊的阴影和边缘中。
Everywhere I went, I saw the world as a painting on a canvas. I studied how the pavement reflected the setting sun, I studied the raindrops that splattered down from the heavens, how each brushstroke brought a fluffy white cloud to life and the sky of watercolours during sunset.
无论我走到哪里，我都把世界看成画布上的一幅画。 我研究了人行道是如何反射夕阳的，我研究了从天而降的雨滴，每一次笔触如何使一朵蓬松的白云栩栩如生，以及日落时分水彩画的天空。
September was when school started. It also was when I decided I wanted to study art. I took classes and honed my skills each day. Soon after, I started to look at everything through the lens of an artist.
九月是开学的时候。 也是我决定要学习艺术的时候。 我每天上课，磨练我的技能。 不久之后，我开始通过艺术家的视角来看待一切。
Instead of rushing each day by in a blur, I started to take in the details. If I didn’t learn anything, at least it was a wonderful way to pass the time. Everything seemed to stop for me while the rest of the world bustled pass. It was magic.
我开始了解细节，而不是每天模糊地匆匆忙忙。 如果我什么都没学到，至少这是打发时间的绝佳方式。 当世界其他地方忙碌地过去时，一切对我来说似乎都停止了。 这是魔术。
It was quite the difference compared to the past, when I tried to block out everything around me and escape. Escape from the horrible reality that was a storm of school and work.
與過去相比，這有很大的不同，當時我試圖阻擋周圍的一切並逃跑。 逃离学校和工作风暴的可怕现实。
When I told my mother about this, she waved me off. “I used to love Tetris. I played so much Tetris that anything square became a Tetris piece. Don’t worry, this phase will pass.” But I knew it wouldn’t pass, because once you notice just how detailed everything is, you cannot help but stare.
当我把这件事告诉我妈妈时，她挥了挥手。 “我曾经喜欢俄罗斯方块。 我玩了很多俄罗斯方块，以至于任何方形的东西都变成了俄罗斯方块的作品。 别担心，这个阶段会过去的。” 但我知道这不会通过，因为一旦你注意到一切都很详细，你就忍不住盯着。
I wanted to learn more. I wanted to study more. I wanted to incorporate everything I’ve learnt into my art, but most importantly, I wanted to feel proud of my art. I wanted to succeed.
我想学习更多。 我想多学习。 我想把我学到的一切融入我的艺术中，但最重要的是，我想为我的艺术感到自豪。 我想成功。
But I did not feel proud, or successful.
但我并不感到自豪，也不感到成功。
In fact, I felt discouraged.
事实上，我感到灰心丧气。
When all these wonderful little details became visible, the flaws and imperfections also became obvious. I was dissatisfied at everything I did. I never felt like I was progressing fast enough or did good enough.
当所有这些奇妙的小细节变得可见时，缺陷和不完美也变得显而易见。 我对自己所做的一切都不满意。 我从来没有觉得自己进步得足够快或做得足够好。
It was… disheartening.
这……令人沮丧。
On sleepless nights, I would go over all the things I had observed during the day, feel an urge to jot it all down, but I put it off until the morning.
在不眠之夜，我会翻看白天观察到的所有事情，感到有把一切都记下来的冲动，但我把它推迟到早上。
And in the morning, I would laze around in bed; until not a single ounce of motivation was left. It was as if I had travelled back to seventh grade, back to that storm of books and work.
早上，我会在床上懒懒；直到没有一丝动力。 就好像我回到了七年级，回到了那场书籍和工作的风暴。
No matter how hard I tried to excel in school, I did not make any progress. It seemed that everybody was doing better than I was, and I would never be able to keep up.
无论我如何努力在学校表现出色，我都没有取得任何进步。 似乎每個人都比我做得更好，而我永遠也跟不上。
Art should have been my escape. Should have been a pastime and an enjoyable hobby, a new skill. Instead, it turned to work.
艺术本应是我的逃避。 本应是一种消遣和愉快的爱好，一种新技能。 相反，它转而工作。
Day by day I struggled, and all the progress I had made paled in comparison to what was left to learn.
我日复一日地挣扎着，与剩下的学习相比，我取得的所有进步都显得微不足道。
Time was going by faster than ever, yet I was stuck in place. I was not moving at all, while everything else hurried past.
时间过得比以往任何时候都快，但我却被卡在了原地。 我根本没有动，而其他一切都匆匆忙忙地过去了。
I wondered if I was ever going to be satisfied with myself. I wondered if others would see the fruits of my labour. I wondered if I was good enough.
我想知道我是否会对自己感到满意。 我想知道其他人是否会看到我劳动的成果。 我想知道我是否足够好。
I had tunnelled myself into a dead end. The Tetris blocks piled up, but all the blocks were wrong. Nothing fit. Everything was a jumbled mess.
我把自己挖进了死胡同。 俄罗斯方块堆积如山，但所有的积木都是错的。 什么都不适合。 一切都乱糟糟的。
This stalemate seemed to last for eons. How to break it was a mystery to me. So, like always, I went to Mother.
这种僵局似乎持续了很久。 如何打破它对我来说是个谜。 所以，像往常一样，我去找妈妈了。
“Tetris blocks can go down, left, and right. But the most important part of Tetris is that the blocks can rotate. If nothing fits you, try changing your point of view. Perhaps an opportunity may open up.”
“俄羅斯方块可以向下、向左和向右。 但俄罗斯方块最重要的部分是方块可以旋转。 如果没有什么适合你，试着改变你的观点。 也许机会会打开。”
She was talking in puzzles.
她在谜语中说话。
“Art should not be work. You should not be trying to turn your passion and creativity into something others will enjoy. Perhaps the feeling of being accepted is sweet, but is that really success? Is that what you want your art to be? Another catalyst for ‘success’?”
“艺术不应该是工作。 你不应该试图把你的激情和创造力变成别人会喜欢的东西。 也许被接受的感觉是甜蜜的，但这真的是成功吗？ 这就是你希望你的艺术吗？ “成功”的另一个催化剂？”
Suddenly it felt as if everything was right in the world again.
突然间，感觉好像世界上一切都又正确了。
“Compare your art to what it was when you first started. Ask your past self if she thought she would ever be able to draw something like this. Do not stare at the imperfections for too long. Change your perspective. Look at it as a whole. Look back at your journey and embrace it.”
“将你的艺术与你刚开始时的艺术进行比较。 问问你过去的自己，她是否认为她能画出这样的东西。 不要盯着不完美的地方看太久。 改变你的观点。 把它看成一个整体。 回顾你的旅程，拥抱它。”
As always, she was right. The Tetris block finally fell into place. All I had to do was rotate the piece.
一如既往，她是对的。 俄罗斯方块终于到位了。 我要做的就是旋转这块。
