“Cap, you got a minute?”, Officer Draves asked as he poked his head in the Captain’s office.
“Come in, come in”, the grey-bearded captain said. He waved them in and gestured to the two dark blue chairs in front of his desk. A large Department of Natural Resources logo hung behind the Captain’s head.
“What do you boys need? Finished the December reports yet?”, he said off handedly, but knowing it was the only reason they’d be there. It was the only task most officers had to finish between now and Christmas break, other than dividing up moose meat when the animals got too close to the train or the expressway.
Officer Draves ran his thumb over his lower lip. “That’s what we’d like to speak with you about, sir. We, well, we wanted to show you something…a video.” He nodded encouragingly at the young Lieutenant. He blushed deeply as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.
“They were… supposed to be hibernating… sir… the bears… on the far island”, the young lieutenant spat out in chunks like pieces of leathery meat that he couldn’t choke down.
The Captain squinted at the younger man, decided to ignore him and turned his attention to the older Officer. “Now, what’s this all about Draves?”, he said with a grimace. “I sent you two out to check the abandoned Kirimba weather station and you come back talking about bears.”
“Well, sir, the bears weeerrreeeeee…” Officer Draves strung out the last word as he rolled around other words in his head, trying to figure out which ones would sound right. He thought it was always hardest saying something he’d never said before. He couldn’t find anything that seemed better, so he just got on with it. “They took over the weather station..and they were…erm…dancing.”
“You always gotta be the Department clown, don’t you Draves”, the Captain said as he slapped his knee. He seemed relieved to have something to laugh about.
“Sir, I’m telling you straight. Those bears down there were dancing and singing. It ain’t no singing like I ever heard before, but I sure as shoot can tell you that they took over that station.” Officer Draves stood up straight and tall like he’d learned to do in the military when he delivered serious news.
“Well, then…”, the Captain said as his smirk grew and his eyes glowed with laughter. “Show me this video then. This is the stupidest prank you boys have pulled yet.” He shook his head a little at that, but the gleam didn’t leave his eye.
“Take a look, sir”, The lieutenant squeaked and held up his phone with a shaky hand.
He turned the screen towards the Captain and showed him the scene of bears dancing around in a large room. They were spinning on the floor. Some were making sounds that sounded like Inuit throat singing mixed with thumping bass beats. A few sat in the corner, around a phone, where they were watching short videos of people dancing.
The Captain grabbed the phone out of Lieutenant Dennis’s hand. “Are they…break dancing?” , he said in awe and confusion. Officer Draves nodded gravely and let out a sigh of relief as they all focused in on the small screen on the Captain’s desk.
“We caught this footage on Friday, sir!”, Officer Draves added to the report.
The video continued to play. Inside the dimly lit station white bears were spinning in circles, tipping their heads back and laughing like bears shouldn’t. One of them sat down in the corner playing a thumping beat from an iPad. He grunted along to the music and bobbed his large shoulders up and down.
“Yes, sir, that’s what we saw. The last team up there left their electronics when they got caught in a storm off base. It looks like the bears got hold of the phones and iPads. It was the damndest thing… Seems to be 15 or so polar bears started up a community in there and…” Before he could continue a deep belly laugh ripped from the Captain.
The captain let his head tip back as he wiped the tears from his eyes, a bit like the way the bears had laughed in the video. “Well, I’ll say, that’s the most convincing prank you’ve pulled off yet, Draves. That’s hilarious! You use some of those Disney animatronic bears? Go try it out on the rest of the Department.” He tossed the phone at Officer Draves, who caught it with both hands.
“No, sir”, Draves went on without a smile. “We shot this video, without any tricks, up at Kirimba.”
He looked deadly serious which just cracked the captain up all the more.
“What jokers you are”, the Captain guffawed and stood up to shew them out of his office. “A good joker sticks by his story”, he said conspiratorially and grinned from ear to ear. “This even beats that bear calendar you made a few years back, Draves.”
Draves turned red at the mention of the calendar he’d made by dressing up tranquilised bears before they tagged them in the National Parks.
“Sir, I know I’m usually the one making jokes, but we gotta send some scientists out there to investigate this.” A bead of sweat dripped down his forehead, “Something is happening with those bears. They’re supposed to be hibernating, but they seem to be…” He wasn’t sure how to continue.
“They seem to be evolving”, the shy Lieutenant finished what Officer Draves couldn’t seem to bring himself to say.
The Captain furrowed his brow and looked between the two men before doubling over in laughter and shoving them the rest of the way out the door.
“Well, I gotta give it to you. No idea how you made that. Was this one of those deep fake things?”, he asked before taking a deep breath and announcing to the office. “Attention, everyone, we got something serious to show you. I’ll send it around soon.”
“Send me that video, boys”, the Captain said quietly, before slapping them on the back and walking back to his desk, giggling to himself as he went. He turned around to tell them, “That was a good laugh, but I need a real write-up on the weather station on my desk in an hour”, he gestured for them to get to it.
The two men stumbled out of the office and back to their cubicles like they’d been lost in a whirlwind. You could tell where the video was circulating in the office as laughter ripped through cubicles like summer lightning storms.
“What are we going to write Draves?”, the shy Lieutenant asked his old friend. They often spent the weekends moose hunting together.
“Well, we sure as hell can’t write the truth can we?”, Draves said. He was used to being the office funny guy, but today he was drained. A joker out of jokes.
“But that’s what we saw. That video…”, the lieutenant said in defeat.
“I know, but nobody believes us. Maybe it was a trick of the light. I mean…a bear playing music? A party. How in the world? In all my years in the DNR I ain’t never seen nothing like that”, Draves said as he shook his head.
Their colleagues began to appear above their cubicle walls to ask them a jumble of questions through bouts of laughter, “How did you manage that Draves?”, “Can I send that to my daughter?” “You’ve always got the best jokes, Draves.”
After the first couple of guys high fived them and asked their questions, while Officer Draves and the Lieutenant laughed politely, but didn’t quite know what to say, Draves decided to take the bait.
“This here’s called deep fake technology. You could make it look like the president is dancing butt-naked in your momma’s living room if you wanted to”, he yelled out over the heads around them. The Lieutenant cringed in response, clearly not feeling ready to fake it.
“Nobody wants to see that. Can you make this bear dance in there instead?”, one of the men yelled back at him over the dim roar of the group’s laughter as everyone played the video on loop.
“What are you doing?”, the Lieutenant said as he pulled at Drave’s arm and tried to get his attention. “I was there. I know this isn’t fake, man.” He went on insistently, trying to pull Draves back into his orbit.
“Ain’t nobody gonna believe us Dennis, let’s just go with the flow”, he said with a shake of his arm to loosen his friend’s grip on him. He walked out into the break room to answer the guy’s questions and receive their praise for the funniest prank ever. And just as quickly as it had appeared, the truth of the polar bears’ winter jam session was lost forever.
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